The Battle! (And Backlog Blogging Forthcoming, I Think...)

So, I continue to lift what we're calling "the 5-pound worth weight" each day.  I'm glad major, sweeping gestures aren't necessary because I need the energy that's left afterward to fight the internal pushback and static experienced each time I acknowledge my self-worth.

Like when I needed emergency dental work this past Saturday.  It became necessary after I made a clumsy mistake.  I got over the hurdle of feeling worthless for making this mistake, and I did it by being honest with myself:

"This sort of thing could've happened to anyone.  It was a freak accident.  You are not *bad* because this happened."

And I kept my composure through handling it.

But afterward, in my head:

"Why couldn't you have at least had this dumb accident while you had dental insurance?  Your timing REALLY sucks!"

"You don't have dental insurance because you don't deserve it.  You're lousy, and your not getting hired since the company you worked for closed in March is proof of how worthless you are."

"You don't deserve to eat.  You've already wrecked your teeth once today.  Furthermore, you can't afford food now that you have that dental bill.  It's all your fault.  Don't even think about having a meal.  And furthermore, another reason you haven't eaten in hours and have missed lunch and dinner is because you completely suck at time management."

Eee.  Yikes. =(  

But those are all very real thoughts that I had.  And in having them, I've thought about why I am in the habit of thinking this way.  I'm sure I'll talk more about it here, but there was so much conditioning involved.  So much damage done.  All of the being bright, happy, super, and strong hasn't allowed me to shed it or outrun it.  I have to hope that building that "worth" muscle does what I haven't been able to do just by attempting to rise above it.

Without having had the chance to write about it, day in and day out I am still allowing some light to shine on my self worth.  I'm keeping the doses and efforts low, and it's not always happening at noontime.  (I'd like to be more structured about this, but I'm pretty sure that beating up on myself for *not* being structured defeats the purpose here!)  I hope to catch up on the past few days with retroactive posts, even brief ones.  But if I can't, I'll just pick back up and keep writing when I am ready.