Saturday, October 5, 2013

I Am Not Worthless When I Fail

I am not worthless when I fail
I am not worthless when I am rejected
I am not worthless when I wish someone who does not value me could
I am not worthless right now
I have never been worthless
I may be worth far more than some have the capacity to appreciate
That's not conceit
My worth is not diminished by anyone else's failure to be aware of it
My worth deserves to be protected and honored
I am done making room in my life for those who cannot or will not recognize my worth

I hurt right now.  Very, very, VERY much.  My peaceful home is polarized.  My heart is thoroughly wrecked.  My place in this world is undefined.  So many of the familiar things are going away.  2013 has been one of the worst years I've ever lived through.

I only feel like I deserve all of the pain I'm experiencing when I feel worthless.  That's when I suffer the most, and feel like I don't deserve relief.

On the other hand, I am finding that a sense of self-worth makes the tough times feel less punishing.  It's just crap, and that's unfortunate.  It's not crap that's due me.  It's just the way things are.  Knowing this makes it hurt so much less.

There will be a few opportunities to flex that self-worth muscle during the day.  I am working my way up to avoiding any further hurt from someone who clearly cannot acknowledge or respect my worth who somehow ended up in my life anyway.  I won't let him do what the others before him have done.  I will do things differently this time, because I am worth so much better than the torment I've been handed.

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