I kinda wish I had stuck with the daycount header format I started this blog with. Details, details. I'm back on it for now.
I also wish I had started out in the habit of concluding each post with the song currently running through my head. It's something I've been thinking about doing from the start. Maybe I'll start today, and I'll interject it here while it's fresh in my mind: Too Much Saturn, Not Enough Moon by Francis Dunnery.
"So now that you know why I don't love ya / now that you see why I'm so scared / am I a good man? / Am I a deep, deep man?"
A song that, in its recorded version, starts out with Dunnery stating: "This is a song about severe emotional problems."
Based on my recent experience with someone to whom I was very much attracted, that's as true as a story ever gets.
So right now, I am sipping my favorite tea, and catching up my blog. I'm worth having my story told. What does lifting my 5 pound weight look like today?
I think it looks like a babystep for something BIG that I feel like I need to accomplish. I finished 30 (!) pages worth of journalling, collecting my thoughts and reactions around a recent hurtful experience. Maybe part of lifting that weight is reserving my right not to react until I am ready. Maybe it's working at my pace for the sake of my own comfort. Maybe it's knowing that what I'm going to say ends in shutting someone out, which really doesn't require the amount of work that I am pouring into the effort, but going through the motions anyway to be as secure in my feelings and actions as I can be.
It's all kind of nebulous. But it's all there. And I'm sure it amounts to 5 pounds somehow, especially since I took the action of writing.
Next is to compile and organize. But I have other things to do, and I feel like they deserve to take priority over delivering the "sayanora" message that's about to be wrought.
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