*enormous, weary, broken SIGH*
I'm supposed to be taking time each day to do some small thing to acknowledge my self-worth. Just 15 minutes out of my day. No big deal -- right?
But I can't find and zero in on the small things because the REALLY BIG THINGS that require emotional fucking heroics are taking up all of the attention and energy I can spare.
I'm discouraged because I wasn't supposed to have to "ramp up" this fast. But something inside me knows that if I don't focus and bring my A-game to the (rather poorly timed) circumstances I'm facing now, the little things I do in the meantime won't matter. I will be bulldozed, and my pile of regrets will grow.
That said, my tiny crusade isn't exactly failing.
If my 15-minute "lifting the 5 pound worth weight" assignment can be likened to a prescription, my self-worth acknowledging efforts of the past week look a lot like an over-the-counter standby fix. I may not be making the most powerful and structured moves, but I am doing something.
And usually, that something happens when I randomly remind myself throughout the day that I have worth. Or I ask myself "What might a person who is aware that she has value do in this situation?"
Well, here's what I did.
Wednesday, I was running errands with friends. (Friends who sometimes read this blog. Hi Sean and Krisna, if you're reading this!) Before meeting up with them, I had been instructing all morning, and had missed lunch. I spoke up when I needed to stop to eat, and we all paused for a bit so I could do that. I often worry about being an inconvenience when I have to make a need of mine a priority in a group setting, even when I am with friends who I know care about me. I was proud of myself for deciding I was worth that measure of self-care, and following through. I was with friends who wouldn't have objected to the meeting of my needs, even as it put everyone else's plans on hold.
That's on-par with my understanding of my assignment. The heavy-duty version would be defending myself should I be surrounded by those who would insist that fulfilling my needs is inconvenient. It wasn't taking 15 minutes out of my day at a certain time of day for the challenge, but I do believe it helped me flex my self-worth muscles, just to speak up for myself.
Thursday, I was offered an opportunity to cover a Friday class at a pool where I don't get treated very well as an employee. Maybe the heavy-duty version of recognizing my self-worth would've come in the form of saying "No thanks" flat-out. It would've been a tight squeeze for timing to get myself there anyway after my regularly scheduled class. My version of acknowledging my worth in this situation was to take the offer on my terms. "Yes I can do it," is the message I left in reply "but I cannot guarantee that I will be there right at 9:30AM because my regular class lets out at 9AM, and I don't know how traffic will be." Silently in my mind I added "And I really like my 8AM-9AM class, so I won't be shortchanging them to get to yours on time."
They ended up getting someone else with better availability to cover. I felt relief. When I feel worthless, I overextend a whole lot to compensate. Offering to help within reason felt so right.
Friday, I volunteered to help someone I know move some furniture. The timing of how things worked out landed me in Clusterfuckville because unanticipated delays kept occurring, and the very real need to keep a tight schedule went straight to shit. This kept me from getting my sister's car (which is big enough to move furniture) back to her in time, and made her late for work. (She is still not speaking to me. I'm working on letting her have her right to be angry without hating myself, even as I acknowledge that I was wrong. I made a mistake, yes -- things happened that I simply failed to foresee. I am learning from this, and know exactly what I need to do to avoid doing it again in the future. I've offered amends, I'm prepared to make them. I can't force them -- that'd just be me trying to make myself feel better. That's all there is to it.)
Also, I got some surprise static from the person I was helping. (I would say "I got some static from my friend," but I am currently in the process of deciding whether or not I want someone like him to be my friend after the mindfuck he put me through last night. That's a story for another entry, though. And it's going to take strength that's way above the 5 pound limit to work through, I'm pretty sure.) The feelings caused by the static (which I would ultimately discover I was not just imagining) truly complicated functioning on all levels.
After the failure-after-failure moving adventure (but before the "talk"), lifting the 5 pound worth weight took more than 15 minutes, but I managed to do it. I decided I deserved a chance to review what had transpired and how I felt about it. I let my friend who was staying with me (who also helped with the move) know that I needed time to myself, and wrote down everything that happened in my journal. I pinpointed 12 things I didn't expect that complicated the work and caused delays, and the fallout is now documented, ready to serve as a reminder from now on not to schedule tasks so tightly. I was able to get through the rest of the day after that, AND I was better prepared for the "talk" that came out of nowhere later in the evening.
What happened last night will get its own post. I'm not done wrangling with it yet. Let's just say for the moment that it hurt like hell.
So... today's self-care measures started around 3 in the morning, when I was on my way home. I bought milk at Cumby's, just enough for the tea I knew I'd be reaching for throughout the day to soothe me. I used to stop at Cumby's for junk food at that time of night to make me feel better about the stress I was experiencing. I saw all those triggery treats there as I walked up to the counter with my milk bottle, and didn't even want them. The me that gives a damn about myself knew that turning to those former comforts wouldn't be acting in a spirit of self-care at all. I'm thrilled that as crushed as I was, I knew I deserved better than that, and wasn't even tempted.
I could get used to not being tempted by things and people who will hurt me.
I had my morning cup of tea by candlelight after only 4 hours of sleep. I woke up feeling as if I had been kicked in the stomach. I decided the best way to take care of me would be to cancel my plans for the day, and to lay low, and take it easy or do some cleaning. Seeing friends is lovely, but I knew I needed a day just for me. I got my heart stomped on really, really bad. I didn't want to carry those feelings into my interactions with others (even though I knew they'd support me), and I did want as much time as I needed to process them properly.
Lifting the 5 pound weight today was picking up the phone and cancelling my plans. There's more I could've done with this day, but I did enough to say I took action. I did SOMETHING.
More soon, I hope. I need a rest now.
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