I'm not one for swearing, but it needs to be said:
I've been getting spoonfed all kinds of BS this week.
It is weighing down on my spirit so heavily.
I truly prize and value honesty. A complete lack of it in my past made my life an unsettling and unpredictable place. I felt like a fool all the time, and had so much false information drilled into me that I really didn't know which way was up. I desperately wanted to be acquainted with reality, even as I realized that the truth isn't always the gentlest and most accommodating thing. I knew what I was observing, but was told that I was stupid and wrong for seeing what I saw.
I was made to completely distrust myself and my senses.
On a positive note, I'm much better at detecting deception now than I've ever been. This hasn't come at the expense of seeing people in the worst possible light and thinking I'm some genius for seeing their "flaws." (Which are actually totally made up in my head because I'm just being negative and unfair. Not that anyone's done that to me recently or anything.) It isn't easy to give people the benefit of the doubt and be fair, but I've met some people who have served as good examples. Knowing them helped me to recognize the games the chronically dishonest people in my life were playing -- just by stark comparison. Learning what was healthy gave me a way to identify what wasn't.
Sometimes I discover that what feels like an incapability is just a lack of a learning opportunity. All it takes is my willingness to be shown the right way, and then I find myself doing something I thought I couldn't do.
So now I kinda know when I'm being lied to. Oftentimes I realize that the people lying may have bought their own hype so much that they don't even realize how out of touch with reality they are. So I don't get angry, I just don't buy the false information.
Tuesday, an instructor who was supposed to cover a class for me was a no-show. His excuse for not being there seemed improbable. I heard his story from others long before he shared it with me directly.
I knew I was going to see him today. I tried avoiding him, giving him the opportunity to say nothing to me at ALL. He went out of his was to tell me his garbage story though.
His face was all contorted as he said it. I replied "Thank you for letting me know."
But then came the funk. I was radiating negativity, and HARD.
I wondered how alleviating what was angering me (and also impacting my functionality) might look as part of this self-worth project.
I got teary when I figured it out.
I deserve the truth.
I deserve not to be misled. I deserve not to be manipulated. I want more truth in my world.
So I will take to the interwebs once again to help me with today's installment of lifting the worth weight. I will ask any of my friends who are willing to do so to tell me something true. Anything. It doesn't have to be an earthshattering revelation. But maybe 15 minutes of truth is just what I need today, and lifting the worth-weight is the act of asking for it.
I'm beginning to think I am also ready to share this project with handpicked interested parties. Maybe tomorrow's worth-weightlifting will be making a request for cheerleaders? I'm getting ahead of myself though. I'm also behind, because I have something I've been working on in little bits that's probably not going to get any attention today or tomorrow. And yet, it's distracting me. I know I need to say something. Hope I can be ready soon.
Also hope I can post later with the results of today's project!
Song in my head right now: Katy Perry's Roar
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