What became Spontaneous Truthfest 2013 deserves to be written about.
I'll have to circle back when time allows.
The experience of having confidence that I was being told the truth -- being able to rely on honesty from others -- had an enormous impact on me. It felt so good. And I now know that I have plenty of people in my life that are willing to tell me the truth when I need to hear it.
So I don't need to leave room for people who would deceive me. 3 days after my truth experiment, I would stand up to someone who lied to me, led me on, and hurt my heart.
And it would hurt like hell. But I would know that I did the right thing as I pushed him out of my life. His credibility was shot, and he didn't care to rebuild it. I'm still sad about that. But I guess I can't be sad that he's gone now.
That said, it was a huge undertaking to summon my courage to speak up, and follow through. I could feel my heart pounding through my eardrums as I got his attention. I wanted so badly to be wrong about him, to find out that he cared after all...
But truth's important. He continued to show me he didn't care. To refuse to acknowledge that just because it didn't match what I wanted would've amounted to lying to myself. :(
I deserve better than being lied to, and lying to myself. So yay for self-worth.
But I really knocked myself out. I'm supposed to be doing small things, and standing up for myself felt HUGE. I'm still kind of recovering.
I will try something small today, just to get back into the swing of things.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Day 15: I Deserve The Truth (part 1, pre-weightlift)
I'm not one for swearing, but it needs to be said:
I've been getting spoonfed all kinds of BS this week.
It is weighing down on my spirit so heavily.
I truly prize and value honesty. A complete lack of it in my past made my life an unsettling and unpredictable place. I felt like a fool all the time, and had so much false information drilled into me that I really didn't know which way was up. I desperately wanted to be acquainted with reality, even as I realized that the truth isn't always the gentlest and most accommodating thing. I knew what I was observing, but was told that I was stupid and wrong for seeing what I saw.
I was made to completely distrust myself and my senses.
On a positive note, I'm much better at detecting deception now than I've ever been. This hasn't come at the expense of seeing people in the worst possible light and thinking I'm some genius for seeing their "flaws." (Which are actually totally made up in my head because I'm just being negative and unfair. Not that anyone's done that to me recently or anything.) It isn't easy to give people the benefit of the doubt and be fair, but I've met some people who have served as good examples. Knowing them helped me to recognize the games the chronically dishonest people in my life were playing -- just by stark comparison. Learning what was healthy gave me a way to identify what wasn't.
Sometimes I discover that what feels like an incapability is just a lack of a learning opportunity. All it takes is my willingness to be shown the right way, and then I find myself doing something I thought I couldn't do.
So now I kinda know when I'm being lied to. Oftentimes I realize that the people lying may have bought their own hype so much that they don't even realize how out of touch with reality they are. So I don't get angry, I just don't buy the false information.
Tuesday, an instructor who was supposed to cover a class for me was a no-show. His excuse for not being there seemed improbable. I heard his story from others long before he shared it with me directly.
I knew I was going to see him today. I tried avoiding him, giving him the opportunity to say nothing to me at ALL. He went out of his was to tell me his garbage story though.
His face was all contorted as he said it. I replied "Thank you for letting me know."
But then came the funk. I was radiating negativity, and HARD.
I wondered how alleviating what was angering me (and also impacting my functionality) might look as part of this self-worth project.
I got teary when I figured it out.
I deserve the truth.
I deserve not to be misled. I deserve not to be manipulated. I want more truth in my world.
So I will take to the interwebs once again to help me with today's installment of lifting the worth weight. I will ask any of my friends who are willing to do so to tell me something true. Anything. It doesn't have to be an earthshattering revelation. But maybe 15 minutes of truth is just what I need today, and lifting the worth-weight is the act of asking for it.
I'm beginning to think I am also ready to share this project with handpicked interested parties. Maybe tomorrow's worth-weightlifting will be making a request for cheerleaders? I'm getting ahead of myself though. I'm also behind, because I have something I've been working on in little bits that's probably not going to get any attention today or tomorrow. And yet, it's distracting me. I know I need to say something. Hope I can be ready soon.
Also hope I can post later with the results of today's project!
Song in my head right now: Katy Perry's Roar
I've been getting spoonfed all kinds of BS this week.
It is weighing down on my spirit so heavily.
I truly prize and value honesty. A complete lack of it in my past made my life an unsettling and unpredictable place. I felt like a fool all the time, and had so much false information drilled into me that I really didn't know which way was up. I desperately wanted to be acquainted with reality, even as I realized that the truth isn't always the gentlest and most accommodating thing. I knew what I was observing, but was told that I was stupid and wrong for seeing what I saw.
I was made to completely distrust myself and my senses.
On a positive note, I'm much better at detecting deception now than I've ever been. This hasn't come at the expense of seeing people in the worst possible light and thinking I'm some genius for seeing their "flaws." (Which are actually totally made up in my head because I'm just being negative and unfair. Not that anyone's done that to me recently or anything.) It isn't easy to give people the benefit of the doubt and be fair, but I've met some people who have served as good examples. Knowing them helped me to recognize the games the chronically dishonest people in my life were playing -- just by stark comparison. Learning what was healthy gave me a way to identify what wasn't.
Sometimes I discover that what feels like an incapability is just a lack of a learning opportunity. All it takes is my willingness to be shown the right way, and then I find myself doing something I thought I couldn't do.
So now I kinda know when I'm being lied to. Oftentimes I realize that the people lying may have bought their own hype so much that they don't even realize how out of touch with reality they are. So I don't get angry, I just don't buy the false information.
Tuesday, an instructor who was supposed to cover a class for me was a no-show. His excuse for not being there seemed improbable. I heard his story from others long before he shared it with me directly.
I knew I was going to see him today. I tried avoiding him, giving him the opportunity to say nothing to me at ALL. He went out of his was to tell me his garbage story though.
His face was all contorted as he said it. I replied "Thank you for letting me know."
But then came the funk. I was radiating negativity, and HARD.
I wondered how alleviating what was angering me (and also impacting my functionality) might look as part of this self-worth project.
I got teary when I figured it out.
I deserve the truth.
I deserve not to be misled. I deserve not to be manipulated. I want more truth in my world.
So I will take to the interwebs once again to help me with today's installment of lifting the worth weight. I will ask any of my friends who are willing to do so to tell me something true. Anything. It doesn't have to be an earthshattering revelation. But maybe 15 minutes of truth is just what I need today, and lifting the worth-weight is the act of asking for it.
I'm beginning to think I am also ready to share this project with handpicked interested parties. Maybe tomorrow's worth-weightlifting will be making a request for cheerleaders? I'm getting ahead of myself though. I'm also behind, because I have something I've been working on in little bits that's probably not going to get any attention today or tomorrow. And yet, it's distracting me. I know I need to say something. Hope I can be ready soon.
Also hope I can post later with the results of today's project!
Song in my head right now: Katy Perry's Roar
Update: I Just Said NO To Overextending Myself
I'm so proud of me because I got an unreasonable request that would conflict with plans that I already set and I said NO!
I could've used the money. And I love saving the day. But it was too tight a schedule to swing, and it's time for someone else to step up to the plate. YAY!
End of story. WOOT.
I could've used the money. And I love saving the day. But it was too tight a schedule to swing, and it's time for someone else to step up to the plate. YAY!
End of story. WOOT.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Day 14: Gearing Up
I kinda wish I had stuck with the daycount header format I started this blog with. Details, details. I'm back on it for now.
I also wish I had started out in the habit of concluding each post with the song currently running through my head. It's something I've been thinking about doing from the start. Maybe I'll start today, and I'll interject it here while it's fresh in my mind: Too Much Saturn, Not Enough Moon by Francis Dunnery.
"So now that you know why I don't love ya / now that you see why I'm so scared / am I a good man? / Am I a deep, deep man?"
A song that, in its recorded version, starts out with Dunnery stating: "This is a song about severe emotional problems."
Based on my recent experience with someone to whom I was very much attracted, that's as true as a story ever gets.
So right now, I am sipping my favorite tea, and catching up my blog. I'm worth having my story told. What does lifting my 5 pound weight look like today?
I think it looks like a babystep for something BIG that I feel like I need to accomplish. I finished 30 (!) pages worth of journalling, collecting my thoughts and reactions around a recent hurtful experience. Maybe part of lifting that weight is reserving my right not to react until I am ready. Maybe it's working at my pace for the sake of my own comfort. Maybe it's knowing that what I'm going to say ends in shutting someone out, which really doesn't require the amount of work that I am pouring into the effort, but going through the motions anyway to be as secure in my feelings and actions as I can be.
It's all kind of nebulous. But it's all there. And I'm sure it amounts to 5 pounds somehow, especially since I took the action of writing.
Next is to compile and organize. But I have other things to do, and I feel like they deserve to take priority over delivering the "sayanora" message that's about to be wrought.
I also wish I had started out in the habit of concluding each post with the song currently running through my head. It's something I've been thinking about doing from the start. Maybe I'll start today, and I'll interject it here while it's fresh in my mind: Too Much Saturn, Not Enough Moon by Francis Dunnery.
"So now that you know why I don't love ya / now that you see why I'm so scared / am I a good man? / Am I a deep, deep man?"
A song that, in its recorded version, starts out with Dunnery stating: "This is a song about severe emotional problems."
Based on my recent experience with someone to whom I was very much attracted, that's as true as a story ever gets.
So right now, I am sipping my favorite tea, and catching up my blog. I'm worth having my story told. What does lifting my 5 pound weight look like today?
I think it looks like a babystep for something BIG that I feel like I need to accomplish. I finished 30 (!) pages worth of journalling, collecting my thoughts and reactions around a recent hurtful experience. Maybe part of lifting that weight is reserving my right not to react until I am ready. Maybe it's working at my pace for the sake of my own comfort. Maybe it's knowing that what I'm going to say ends in shutting someone out, which really doesn't require the amount of work that I am pouring into the effort, but going through the motions anyway to be as secure in my feelings and actions as I can be.
It's all kind of nebulous. But it's all there. And I'm sure it amounts to 5 pounds somehow, especially since I took the action of writing.
Next is to compile and organize. But I have other things to do, and I feel like they deserve to take priority over delivering the "sayanora" message that's about to be wrought.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Hi There! I'd Like To Be Treated Well, Please.
So, I found out today that my sister didn't mean for her round of silent treatment to go on for as long as it did.
When I explained to her how her actions looked over the 4 days that she said practically nothing to me, she explained the misunderstandings away one by one.
She felt like saying a quick "hi" to me before taking her breakfast upstairs to avoid me signaled that the silent treatment was off. She explained that she took her breakfast upstairs because I had a friend visiting, and she didn't want to interrupt us. She saw me once 2 days in, and didn't say anything to me then, but that's just because she was sleepy. She didn't tell my youngest sister not to talk to me, that was just coincidence. She didn't ignore my invitation to come out with my friends on Sunday as a snub, but because she had allergies.
I guess I was supposed to know all of these things somehow... magically, perhaps?
"I didn't mean to hurt you like that" seemed to be the message she was conveying with all of her explanations.
Oh, so you hurt me by accident? And therefore, I should be instantly forgiving and hurt-free because it was an accident?
I inconvenienced her Friday, but that also was an accident. She hadn't been, and still wasn't willing to grant me the same level of understanding and compassion she wanted from me. Instead, she defended her hurtful behavior.
Lifting the 5 pound worth weight today meant gathering the courage to ask her to consider the following:
Perhaps you might try some more effective and less damaging ways to handle conflict.
In short, my lifting of the 5 pound weight today was turning to the sibling who shares my space, largely rent and responsibility free, and suggesting that she grow up. I didn't force it, but I did gently encourage her to learn better behavior and to co-exist with me in a healthier way.
In reply, her eyes shining with self-righteous indignation, she said "What I do and how I handle my feelings WORKS for me."
I let her know that it only "works" because she's my sister and I love her. However, I let her know that someday, she's going to be in a situation where she stands to really lose out by treating someone else the way she treated me, and she's not going to be able to simply excuse her way out of it. By that point, she will find herself wishing that she had found a healthier way to relate to others, because people will disappoint her sometimes, and her lack of compassion and conflict resolution skills will leave her in a poor position for coping with life.
Just by asking her to consider modifying her behavior toward me, I feel like I stuck up for myself. Getting a "yes" out of her wasn't necessary, just saying what I needed instead of backing down helped me. I think it helped, anyway.
I really hope it helped!
We'll see.
When I explained to her how her actions looked over the 4 days that she said practically nothing to me, she explained the misunderstandings away one by one.
She felt like saying a quick "hi" to me before taking her breakfast upstairs to avoid me signaled that the silent treatment was off. She explained that she took her breakfast upstairs because I had a friend visiting, and she didn't want to interrupt us. She saw me once 2 days in, and didn't say anything to me then, but that's just because she was sleepy. She didn't tell my youngest sister not to talk to me, that was just coincidence. She didn't ignore my invitation to come out with my friends on Sunday as a snub, but because she had allergies.
I guess I was supposed to know all of these things somehow... magically, perhaps?
"I didn't mean to hurt you like that" seemed to be the message she was conveying with all of her explanations.
Oh, so you hurt me by accident? And therefore, I should be instantly forgiving and hurt-free because it was an accident?
I inconvenienced her Friday, but that also was an accident. She hadn't been, and still wasn't willing to grant me the same level of understanding and compassion she wanted from me. Instead, she defended her hurtful behavior.
Lifting the 5 pound worth weight today meant gathering the courage to ask her to consider the following:
Perhaps you might try some more effective and less damaging ways to handle conflict.
In short, my lifting of the 5 pound weight today was turning to the sibling who shares my space, largely rent and responsibility free, and suggesting that she grow up. I didn't force it, but I did gently encourage her to learn better behavior and to co-exist with me in a healthier way.
In reply, her eyes shining with self-righteous indignation, she said "What I do and how I handle my feelings WORKS for me."
I let her know that it only "works" because she's my sister and I love her. However, I let her know that someday, she's going to be in a situation where she stands to really lose out by treating someone else the way she treated me, and she's not going to be able to simply excuse her way out of it. By that point, she will find herself wishing that she had found a healthier way to relate to others, because people will disappoint her sometimes, and her lack of compassion and conflict resolution skills will leave her in a poor position for coping with life.
Just by asking her to consider modifying her behavior toward me, I feel like I stuck up for myself. Getting a "yes" out of her wasn't necessary, just saying what I needed instead of backing down helped me. I think it helped, anyway.
I really hope it helped!
We'll see.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Like The Sword in the Stone!
Today's adventure in self-worth growth and discovery required no forethought. It simply happened. What a treat to have a "weight" placed in my hands so all I have to do is "lift"!
I was supposed to have the morning off from teaching. (I swapped mornings with another instructor who needed Friday off.) But then, I was asked for a favor by an instructor whom I deeply respect and admire. Her father was in the hospital, having had a stroke. She needed to be there to catch the doctors making their rounds so she could get some straight answers about what was going on with him. My disappointment in losing a much-needed break was far outweighed by being happy to help her, AND by getting to teach a class full of my favorite morning students. This class, much closer to home than where I normally work on a Monday, and much later in the morning, is far more polite to me and appreciative of my efforts than my normal Monday morning group.
(Maybe someday I'll be lifting a heavier worth-weight that gives me the strength to cut my Monday morning "regulars" loose. But then, in spite of how cutting and cruel some of them can be, they're not all like that. I have lots to think about before I make a move on that front, and I am just not ready yet.)
So, I was still covered in hives from my stress over the previous days. But it still felt great to go teach that class. It was HUGE! Full of smiling faces, so many thank yous afterward. Groups like this make my job a true joy.
Following the class, I was cleaning up and changing in the locker room. I vaguely overheard a member frantically asking one person after the next to help her with her locker combination. She was certain she knew the right code, and it just wasn't working. Several people tried to help, but with no success.
Eventually she worked her way over to me and asked if I could try it. I've wrangled with these sorts of combo locks before, and I know they can be total pains in the ass. I let her assure me she knew the correct combination. She said she was sure of it.
So I went over to her locker and tried the numbers she gave me.
Got it open on the first try.
Ladies all around us in the locker room cheered! "Of COURSE she can do it, she can do ANYTHING!" said one of my students. "We're so lucky you're here," said another.
Being valued and treated well within a community boosts my sense of worth. So it was with the unlocking of an uncooperative lock that I lifted the 5 pound weight today.
I was supposed to have the morning off from teaching. (I swapped mornings with another instructor who needed Friday off.) But then, I was asked for a favor by an instructor whom I deeply respect and admire. Her father was in the hospital, having had a stroke. She needed to be there to catch the doctors making their rounds so she could get some straight answers about what was going on with him. My disappointment in losing a much-needed break was far outweighed by being happy to help her, AND by getting to teach a class full of my favorite morning students. This class, much closer to home than where I normally work on a Monday, and much later in the morning, is far more polite to me and appreciative of my efforts than my normal Monday morning group.
(Maybe someday I'll be lifting a heavier worth-weight that gives me the strength to cut my Monday morning "regulars" loose. But then, in spite of how cutting and cruel some of them can be, they're not all like that. I have lots to think about before I make a move on that front, and I am just not ready yet.)
So, I was still covered in hives from my stress over the previous days. But it still felt great to go teach that class. It was HUGE! Full of smiling faces, so many thank yous afterward. Groups like this make my job a true joy.
Following the class, I was cleaning up and changing in the locker room. I vaguely overheard a member frantically asking one person after the next to help her with her locker combination. She was certain she knew the right code, and it just wasn't working. Several people tried to help, but with no success.
Eventually she worked her way over to me and asked if I could try it. I've wrangled with these sorts of combo locks before, and I know they can be total pains in the ass. I let her assure me she knew the correct combination. She said she was sure of it.
So I went over to her locker and tried the numbers she gave me.
Got it open on the first try.
Ladies all around us in the locker room cheered! "Of COURSE she can do it, she can do ANYTHING!" said one of my students. "We're so lucky you're here," said another.
Being valued and treated well within a community boosts my sense of worth. So it was with the unlocking of an uncooperative lock that I lifted the 5 pound weight today.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Picking Up The Phone: Reps With The 5 Pound Weight
The very BEST part of my weekend occurred today. It also was my most positive experience with this project yet. I got in over my head, because it took WAAAAAAAY more than 15 minutes! But every moment was worth it. I'll probably do this again sometime soon because I enjoyed it so much, and because it was so well received by the lovely people who joined in on my "work" for the day.
I was feeling extremely low. (See recent previous posts.) So on my way home from church, I decided I'd post a status on my facebook wall basically saying that if any of my friends wanted a quick 15 minute call from me, let's make that happen.
It's important to mention here that only people who do not generate or perpetuate drama in my life get to see my posts on fb. Access is limited to keep those who would use me for emotional target practice OUT. So I felt confident that I was making this offer to the right set of people. :)
So I figured maybe 1 or 2 friends would take me up on a phone call from me, and I'd feel good just knowing someone wanted to connect...
Then came the flood of messages. At first I could keep up, but by about 4PM I was backlogged, and stayed that way 'til I was done!
It took me NINE HOURS, but ~15 minutes at a time, I got to everyone who wanted a phone call! Occasionally I'd do something like go to the bathroom or move the laundry over from the washer to the dryer, and at one point I even took a nap because I felt like I needed it. So I still took care of me when today's project took on a life of its own.
The experience was unlike anything I could've pictured. People I've *never* had a real conversation with, or that I've only known peripherally queued up for this. Like, I had a talk with my college ex's wife! We talked about their baby, life in general, depression, etc. I got to talk to my friend Mad Mike about banjos, songwriting, and then to his wife about recovering from surgery. A friend's daughter told me about how she just got a new horse that's afraid of 2ft high trees, and how she had accidentally witnessed a cow dying that morning while she was just trying to have a cigarette. Ian and I talked about hair, dogs, and words that are difficult to say without hurting oneself. Cheri told me about her upcoming surgery, and all of the things she realized she's not going to be able to do. I mean, I can't even remember all of the things I conversed about today! But, wow.
The neat part was that defining it as a 15 minute time frame meant being efficient, and making the most of that short period of time. Nobody felt like they were going to be "stuck" on the phone with anybody else. It's so much easier to offer your time and presence when you know what you're getting into.
Also, the offer I put forth was to just shoot the breeze. With some, I did talk about the things that had been weighing on me, but only in very general terms, and only if they didn't have things they wanted to discuss themselves. I had friends with whom I could hash out my troubles, and had already done that. That wasn't what this project was about. It was about strengthening the connections in my life with people who could say they wanted to hear from me: people who therefore obviously care about my well-being. That was exactly what I wanted.
Call after call, it was just like having the best kind of party where lots of people come from all possible friend circles and you still get time to talk to each and every one. Afterward, there were people who were disappointed that they hadn't seen my status in time to get their "turn". I've assured them that I will do this again sometime. All I can say is that there's just no possible way to feel the least bit unwanted after experiencing something like this. *beams*
I've since received messages thanking me, or following up on things discussed, and I feel a general sense of deeper closeness with my friends that I wasn't feeling before.
I'm especially glad that I encouraged friends with whom I don't normally get to speak to take me up on this. People came out of the woodwork. There were even some who I thought had a low opinion of me that were absolutely thrilled to be on the other end of my call.
I'm glad this idea came to me on a Sunday so I could make as many calls as I wanted. I know some days will be more limiting time-wise, so one "rep" with the 5 pound worth weight will have to do.
Doing many reps worked today, though.
I was feeling extremely low. (See recent previous posts.) So on my way home from church, I decided I'd post a status on my facebook wall basically saying that if any of my friends wanted a quick 15 minute call from me, let's make that happen.
It's important to mention here that only people who do not generate or perpetuate drama in my life get to see my posts on fb. Access is limited to keep those who would use me for emotional target practice OUT. So I felt confident that I was making this offer to the right set of people. :)
So I figured maybe 1 or 2 friends would take me up on a phone call from me, and I'd feel good just knowing someone wanted to connect...
Then came the flood of messages. At first I could keep up, but by about 4PM I was backlogged, and stayed that way 'til I was done!
It took me NINE HOURS, but ~15 minutes at a time, I got to everyone who wanted a phone call! Occasionally I'd do something like go to the bathroom or move the laundry over from the washer to the dryer, and at one point I even took a nap because I felt like I needed it. So I still took care of me when today's project took on a life of its own.
The experience was unlike anything I could've pictured. People I've *never* had a real conversation with, or that I've only known peripherally queued up for this. Like, I had a talk with my college ex's wife! We talked about their baby, life in general, depression, etc. I got to talk to my friend Mad Mike about banjos, songwriting, and then to his wife about recovering from surgery. A friend's daughter told me about how she just got a new horse that's afraid of 2ft high trees, and how she had accidentally witnessed a cow dying that morning while she was just trying to have a cigarette. Ian and I talked about hair, dogs, and words that are difficult to say without hurting oneself. Cheri told me about her upcoming surgery, and all of the things she realized she's not going to be able to do. I mean, I can't even remember all of the things I conversed about today! But, wow.
The neat part was that defining it as a 15 minute time frame meant being efficient, and making the most of that short period of time. Nobody felt like they were going to be "stuck" on the phone with anybody else. It's so much easier to offer your time and presence when you know what you're getting into.
Also, the offer I put forth was to just shoot the breeze. With some, I did talk about the things that had been weighing on me, but only in very general terms, and only if they didn't have things they wanted to discuss themselves. I had friends with whom I could hash out my troubles, and had already done that. That wasn't what this project was about. It was about strengthening the connections in my life with people who could say they wanted to hear from me: people who therefore obviously care about my well-being. That was exactly what I wanted.
Call after call, it was just like having the best kind of party where lots of people come from all possible friend circles and you still get time to talk to each and every one. Afterward, there were people who were disappointed that they hadn't seen my status in time to get their "turn". I've assured them that I will do this again sometime. All I can say is that there's just no possible way to feel the least bit unwanted after experiencing something like this. *beams*
I've since received messages thanking me, or following up on things discussed, and I feel a general sense of deeper closeness with my friends that I wasn't feeling before.
I'm especially glad that I encouraged friends with whom I don't normally get to speak to take me up on this. People came out of the woodwork. There were even some who I thought had a low opinion of me that were absolutely thrilled to be on the other end of my call.
I'm glad this idea came to me on a Sunday so I could make as many calls as I wanted. I know some days will be more limiting time-wise, so one "rep" with the 5 pound worth weight will have to do.
Doing many reps worked today, though.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
I Am Not Worthless When I Fail
I am not worthless when I fail
I am not worthless when I am rejected
I am not worthless when I wish someone who does not value me could
I am not worthless right now
I have never been worthless
I may be worth far more than some have the capacity to appreciate
That's not conceit
My worth is not diminished by anyone else's failure to be aware of it
My worth deserves to be protected and honored
I am done making room in my life for those who cannot or will not recognize my worth
I hurt right now. Very, very, VERY much. My peaceful home is polarized. My heart is thoroughly wrecked. My place in this world is undefined. So many of the familiar things are going away. 2013 has been one of the worst years I've ever lived through.
I only feel like I deserve all of the pain I'm experiencing when I feel worthless. That's when I suffer the most, and feel like I don't deserve relief.
On the other hand, I am finding that a sense of self-worth makes the tough times feel less punishing. It's just crap, and that's unfortunate. It's not crap that's due me. It's just the way things are. Knowing this makes it hurt so much less.
There will be a few opportunities to flex that self-worth muscle during the day. I am working my way up to avoiding any further hurt from someone who clearly cannot acknowledge or respect my worth who somehow ended up in my life anyway. I won't let him do what the others before him have done. I will do things differently this time, because I am worth so much better than the torment I've been handed.
I am not worthless when I am rejected
I am not worthless when I wish someone who does not value me could
I am not worthless right now
I have never been worthless
I may be worth far more than some have the capacity to appreciate
That's not conceit
My worth is not diminished by anyone else's failure to be aware of it
My worth deserves to be protected and honored
I am done making room in my life for those who cannot or will not recognize my worth
I hurt right now. Very, very, VERY much. My peaceful home is polarized. My heart is thoroughly wrecked. My place in this world is undefined. So many of the familiar things are going away. 2013 has been one of the worst years I've ever lived through.
I only feel like I deserve all of the pain I'm experiencing when I feel worthless. That's when I suffer the most, and feel like I don't deserve relief.
On the other hand, I am finding that a sense of self-worth makes the tough times feel less punishing. It's just crap, and that's unfortunate. It's not crap that's due me. It's just the way things are. Knowing this makes it hurt so much less.
There will be a few opportunities to flex that self-worth muscle during the day. I am working my way up to avoiding any further hurt from someone who clearly cannot acknowledge or respect my worth who somehow ended up in my life anyway. I won't let him do what the others before him have done. I will do things differently this time, because I am worth so much better than the torment I've been handed.
My Recent 5 Pound Worth Weight Adventures, and (Unfortunately) Thensome
*enormous, weary, broken SIGH*
I'm supposed to be taking time each day to do some small thing to acknowledge my self-worth. Just 15 minutes out of my day. No big deal -- right?
But I can't find and zero in on the small things because the REALLY BIG THINGS that require emotional fucking heroics are taking up all of the attention and energy I can spare.
I'm discouraged because I wasn't supposed to have to "ramp up" this fast. But something inside me knows that if I don't focus and bring my A-game to the (rather poorly timed) circumstances I'm facing now, the little things I do in the meantime won't matter. I will be bulldozed, and my pile of regrets will grow.
That said, my tiny crusade isn't exactly failing.
If my 15-minute "lifting the 5 pound worth weight" assignment can be likened to a prescription, my self-worth acknowledging efforts of the past week look a lot like an over-the-counter standby fix. I may not be making the most powerful and structured moves, but I am doing something.
And usually, that something happens when I randomly remind myself throughout the day that I have worth. Or I ask myself "What might a person who is aware that she has value do in this situation?"
Well, here's what I did.
Wednesday, I was running errands with friends. (Friends who sometimes read this blog. Hi Sean and Krisna, if you're reading this!) Before meeting up with them, I had been instructing all morning, and had missed lunch. I spoke up when I needed to stop to eat, and we all paused for a bit so I could do that. I often worry about being an inconvenience when I have to make a need of mine a priority in a group setting, even when I am with friends who I know care about me. I was proud of myself for deciding I was worth that measure of self-care, and following through. I was with friends who wouldn't have objected to the meeting of my needs, even as it put everyone else's plans on hold.
That's on-par with my understanding of my assignment. The heavy-duty version would be defending myself should I be surrounded by those who would insist that fulfilling my needs is inconvenient. It wasn't taking 15 minutes out of my day at a certain time of day for the challenge, but I do believe it helped me flex my self-worth muscles, just to speak up for myself.
Thursday, I was offered an opportunity to cover a Friday class at a pool where I don't get treated very well as an employee. Maybe the heavy-duty version of recognizing my self-worth would've come in the form of saying "No thanks" flat-out. It would've been a tight squeeze for timing to get myself there anyway after my regularly scheduled class. My version of acknowledging my worth in this situation was to take the offer on my terms. "Yes I can do it," is the message I left in reply "but I cannot guarantee that I will be there right at 9:30AM because my regular class lets out at 9AM, and I don't know how traffic will be." Silently in my mind I added "And I really like my 8AM-9AM class, so I won't be shortchanging them to get to yours on time."
They ended up getting someone else with better availability to cover. I felt relief. When I feel worthless, I overextend a whole lot to compensate. Offering to help within reason felt so right.
Friday, I volunteered to help someone I know move some furniture. The timing of how things worked out landed me in Clusterfuckville because unanticipated delays kept occurring, and the very real need to keep a tight schedule went straight to shit. This kept me from getting my sister's car (which is big enough to move furniture) back to her in time, and made her late for work. (She is still not speaking to me. I'm working on letting her have her right to be angry without hating myself, even as I acknowledge that I was wrong. I made a mistake, yes -- things happened that I simply failed to foresee. I am learning from this, and know exactly what I need to do to avoid doing it again in the future. I've offered amends, I'm prepared to make them. I can't force them -- that'd just be me trying to make myself feel better. That's all there is to it.)
Also, I got some surprise static from the person I was helping. (I would say "I got some static from my friend," but I am currently in the process of deciding whether or not I want someone like him to be my friend after the mindfuck he put me through last night. That's a story for another entry, though. And it's going to take strength that's way above the 5 pound limit to work through, I'm pretty sure.) The feelings caused by the static (which I would ultimately discover I was not just imagining) truly complicated functioning on all levels.
After the failure-after-failure moving adventure (but before the "talk"), lifting the 5 pound worth weight took more than 15 minutes, but I managed to do it. I decided I deserved a chance to review what had transpired and how I felt about it. I let my friend who was staying with me (who also helped with the move) know that I needed time to myself, and wrote down everything that happened in my journal. I pinpointed 12 things I didn't expect that complicated the work and caused delays, and the fallout is now documented, ready to serve as a reminder from now on not to schedule tasks so tightly. I was able to get through the rest of the day after that, AND I was better prepared for the "talk" that came out of nowhere later in the evening.
What happened last night will get its own post. I'm not done wrangling with it yet. Let's just say for the moment that it hurt like hell.
So... today's self-care measures started around 3 in the morning, when I was on my way home. I bought milk at Cumby's, just enough for the tea I knew I'd be reaching for throughout the day to soothe me. I used to stop at Cumby's for junk food at that time of night to make me feel better about the stress I was experiencing. I saw all those triggery treats there as I walked up to the counter with my milk bottle, and didn't even want them. The me that gives a damn about myself knew that turning to those former comforts wouldn't be acting in a spirit of self-care at all. I'm thrilled that as crushed as I was, I knew I deserved better than that, and wasn't even tempted.
I could get used to not being tempted by things and people who will hurt me.
I had my morning cup of tea by candlelight after only 4 hours of sleep. I woke up feeling as if I had been kicked in the stomach. I decided the best way to take care of me would be to cancel my plans for the day, and to lay low, and take it easy or do some cleaning. Seeing friends is lovely, but I knew I needed a day just for me. I got my heart stomped on really, really bad. I didn't want to carry those feelings into my interactions with others (even though I knew they'd support me), and I did want as much time as I needed to process them properly.
Lifting the 5 pound weight today was picking up the phone and cancelling my plans. There's more I could've done with this day, but I did enough to say I took action. I did SOMETHING.
More soon, I hope. I need a rest now.
I'm supposed to be taking time each day to do some small thing to acknowledge my self-worth. Just 15 minutes out of my day. No big deal -- right?
But I can't find and zero in on the small things because the REALLY BIG THINGS that require emotional fucking heroics are taking up all of the attention and energy I can spare.
I'm discouraged because I wasn't supposed to have to "ramp up" this fast. But something inside me knows that if I don't focus and bring my A-game to the (rather poorly timed) circumstances I'm facing now, the little things I do in the meantime won't matter. I will be bulldozed, and my pile of regrets will grow.
That said, my tiny crusade isn't exactly failing.
If my 15-minute "lifting the 5 pound worth weight" assignment can be likened to a prescription, my self-worth acknowledging efforts of the past week look a lot like an over-the-counter standby fix. I may not be making the most powerful and structured moves, but I am doing something.
And usually, that something happens when I randomly remind myself throughout the day that I have worth. Or I ask myself "What might a person who is aware that she has value do in this situation?"
Well, here's what I did.
Wednesday, I was running errands with friends. (Friends who sometimes read this blog. Hi Sean and Krisna, if you're reading this!) Before meeting up with them, I had been instructing all morning, and had missed lunch. I spoke up when I needed to stop to eat, and we all paused for a bit so I could do that. I often worry about being an inconvenience when I have to make a need of mine a priority in a group setting, even when I am with friends who I know care about me. I was proud of myself for deciding I was worth that measure of self-care, and following through. I was with friends who wouldn't have objected to the meeting of my needs, even as it put everyone else's plans on hold.
That's on-par with my understanding of my assignment. The heavy-duty version would be defending myself should I be surrounded by those who would insist that fulfilling my needs is inconvenient. It wasn't taking 15 minutes out of my day at a certain time of day for the challenge, but I do believe it helped me flex my self-worth muscles, just to speak up for myself.
Thursday, I was offered an opportunity to cover a Friday class at a pool where I don't get treated very well as an employee. Maybe the heavy-duty version of recognizing my self-worth would've come in the form of saying "No thanks" flat-out. It would've been a tight squeeze for timing to get myself there anyway after my regularly scheduled class. My version of acknowledging my worth in this situation was to take the offer on my terms. "Yes I can do it," is the message I left in reply "but I cannot guarantee that I will be there right at 9:30AM because my regular class lets out at 9AM, and I don't know how traffic will be." Silently in my mind I added "And I really like my 8AM-9AM class, so I won't be shortchanging them to get to yours on time."
They ended up getting someone else with better availability to cover. I felt relief. When I feel worthless, I overextend a whole lot to compensate. Offering to help within reason felt so right.
Friday, I volunteered to help someone I know move some furniture. The timing of how things worked out landed me in Clusterfuckville because unanticipated delays kept occurring, and the very real need to keep a tight schedule went straight to shit. This kept me from getting my sister's car (which is big enough to move furniture) back to her in time, and made her late for work. (She is still not speaking to me. I'm working on letting her have her right to be angry without hating myself, even as I acknowledge that I was wrong. I made a mistake, yes -- things happened that I simply failed to foresee. I am learning from this, and know exactly what I need to do to avoid doing it again in the future. I've offered amends, I'm prepared to make them. I can't force them -- that'd just be me trying to make myself feel better. That's all there is to it.)
Also, I got some surprise static from the person I was helping. (I would say "I got some static from my friend," but I am currently in the process of deciding whether or not I want someone like him to be my friend after the mindfuck he put me through last night. That's a story for another entry, though. And it's going to take strength that's way above the 5 pound limit to work through, I'm pretty sure.) The feelings caused by the static (which I would ultimately discover I was not just imagining) truly complicated functioning on all levels.
After the failure-after-failure moving adventure (but before the "talk"), lifting the 5 pound worth weight took more than 15 minutes, but I managed to do it. I decided I deserved a chance to review what had transpired and how I felt about it. I let my friend who was staying with me (who also helped with the move) know that I needed time to myself, and wrote down everything that happened in my journal. I pinpointed 12 things I didn't expect that complicated the work and caused delays, and the fallout is now documented, ready to serve as a reminder from now on not to schedule tasks so tightly. I was able to get through the rest of the day after that, AND I was better prepared for the "talk" that came out of nowhere later in the evening.
What happened last night will get its own post. I'm not done wrangling with it yet. Let's just say for the moment that it hurt like hell.
So... today's self-care measures started around 3 in the morning, when I was on my way home. I bought milk at Cumby's, just enough for the tea I knew I'd be reaching for throughout the day to soothe me. I used to stop at Cumby's for junk food at that time of night to make me feel better about the stress I was experiencing. I saw all those triggery treats there as I walked up to the counter with my milk bottle, and didn't even want them. The me that gives a damn about myself knew that turning to those former comforts wouldn't be acting in a spirit of self-care at all. I'm thrilled that as crushed as I was, I knew I deserved better than that, and wasn't even tempted.
I could get used to not being tempted by things and people who will hurt me.
I had my morning cup of tea by candlelight after only 4 hours of sleep. I woke up feeling as if I had been kicked in the stomach. I decided the best way to take care of me would be to cancel my plans for the day, and to lay low, and take it easy or do some cleaning. Seeing friends is lovely, but I knew I needed a day just for me. I got my heart stomped on really, really bad. I didn't want to carry those feelings into my interactions with others (even though I knew they'd support me), and I did want as much time as I needed to process them properly.
Lifting the 5 pound weight today was picking up the phone and cancelling my plans. There's more I could've done with this day, but I did enough to say I took action. I did SOMETHING.
More soon, I hope. I need a rest now.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
The Battle! (And Backlog Blogging Forthcoming, I Think...)
So, I continue to lift what we're calling "the 5-pound worth weight" each day. I'm glad major, sweeping gestures aren't necessary because I need the energy that's left afterward to fight the internal pushback and static experienced each time I acknowledge my self-worth.
Like when I needed emergency dental work this past Saturday. It became necessary after I made a clumsy mistake. I got over the hurdle of feeling worthless for making this mistake, and I did it by being honest with myself:
"This sort of thing could've happened to anyone. It was a freak accident. You are not *bad* because this happened."
And I kept my composure through handling it.
But afterward, in my head:
"Why couldn't you have at least had this dumb accident while you had dental insurance? Your timing REALLY sucks!"
"You don't have dental insurance because you don't deserve it. You're lousy, and your not getting hired since the company you worked for closed in March is proof of how worthless you are."
"You don't deserve to eat. You've already wrecked your teeth once today. Furthermore, you can't afford food now that you have that dental bill. It's all your fault. Don't even think about having a meal. And furthermore, another reason you haven't eaten in hours and have missed lunch and dinner is because you completely suck at time management."
Eee. Yikes. =(
But those are all very real thoughts that I had. And in having them, I've thought about why I am in the habit of thinking this way. I'm sure I'll talk more about it here, but there was so much conditioning involved. So much damage done. All of the being bright, happy, super, and strong hasn't allowed me to shed it or outrun it. I have to hope that building that "worth" muscle does what I haven't been able to do just by attempting to rise above it.
Without having had the chance to write about it, day in and day out I am still allowing some light to shine on my self worth. I'm keeping the doses and efforts low, and it's not always happening at noontime. (I'd like to be more structured about this, but I'm pretty sure that beating up on myself for *not* being structured defeats the purpose here!) I hope to catch up on the past few days with retroactive posts, even brief ones. But if I can't, I'll just pick back up and keep writing when I am ready.
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