Back To Considering My Self Worth

“Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. ” 
― M. Scott Peck

It's nearly 6AM, and I have been up since 4.  I fell asleep at around 8PM last night, after having fought to remain awake since about 6PM.  That full night's sleep felt so good, and I hardly regret any socializing or fun I sacrificed for the rest I needed.  

What woke me up was the hiss of my radiator.  I'dve probably slept through it had I gone to bed later, but I am glad it woke me up when I did.
I won't be groggy when I go out the door this morning.
I had time to make a list of things I'd like to accomplish today.
I was able to take what few foods I have left in the house and make a tasty breakfast out of them.
And most importantly, I was able to look into emergency heating help.

I have been freaking out because even after keeping my apartment's temperature around 60F tops, the 3/4 tank-full I had at the start of Demember is down to 1/4, and could drop precipitously at any time.  Once down to 1/4, the readings are unreliable.

I have trouble expressing that I deserve a warm home.  But without reservation, I can say that I don't deserve to freeze!

So I spent my early morning quiet time (I really do love that it's so quiet!!!) checking my eligibility for home heating assistance.  It appears that I will qualify.  After teaching this morning, I have time to pull together the paperwork today, and will go in-person to the appropriate agency for help.

I deserve help right now.
I deserve peace of mind.
I'm worth these things.

In lifecoaching, I have begun to take the "me" that I've worked so hard to cultivate, and have learned to value myself.

(I still can't believe I have a lifecoach.  And that I am part of a mastermind.  These are things I never thought I'd need.  But the missing link was self appreciation, and being part of this group is what helped me to realize that being awesome doesn't matter one bit if you don't like yourself, or care to treat yourself well.)

I should have gainful employment.  I am worth it.
I should also matter to the people who matter to me.

I've begun to feel that I deserve the kindness and consideration of others.  Something in me has always known it, but now it actually resonates with me.

And so, after a break, I am now back to writing about it.

THAT was more than 5 pounds...

What became Spontaneous Truthfest 2013 deserves to be written about.

I'll have to circle back when time allows.

The experience of having confidence that I was being told the truth -- being able to rely on honesty from others -- had an enormous impact on me.  It felt so good.  And I now know that I have plenty of people in my life that are willing to tell me the truth when I need to hear it.

So I don't need to leave room for people who would deceive me.  3 days after my truth experiment, I would stand up to someone who lied to me, led me on, and hurt my heart.

And it would hurt like hell.  But I would know that I did the right thing as I pushed him out of my life.  His credibility was shot, and he didn't care to rebuild it.  I'm still sad about that.  But I guess I can't be sad that he's gone now.

That said, it was a huge undertaking to summon my courage to speak up, and follow through.  I could feel my heart pounding through my eardrums as I got his attention.  I wanted so badly to be wrong about him, to find out that he cared after all...

But truth's important.  He continued to show me he didn't care.  To refuse to acknowledge that just because it didn't match what I wanted would've amounted to lying to myself.  :(

I deserve better than being lied to, and lying to myself.  So yay for self-worth.

But I really knocked myself out.  I'm supposed to be doing small things, and standing up for myself felt HUGE.  I'm still kind of recovering.

I will try something small today, just to get back into the swing of things.

Day 15: I Deserve The Truth (part 1, pre-weightlift)

I'm not one for swearing, but it needs to be said:
I've been getting spoonfed all kinds of BS this week.

It is weighing down on my spirit so heavily.

I truly prize and value honesty.  A complete lack of it in my past made my life an unsettling and unpredictable place.  I felt like a fool all the time, and had so much false information drilled into me that I really didn't know which way was up.  I desperately wanted to be acquainted with reality, even as I realized that the truth isn't always the gentlest and most accommodating thing.  I knew what I was observing, but was told that I was stupid and wrong for seeing what I saw.
I was made to completely distrust myself and my senses.
On a positive note, I'm much better at detecting deception now than I've ever been.  This hasn't come at the expense of seeing people in the worst possible light and thinking I'm some genius for seeing their "flaws." (Which are actually totally made up in my head because I'm just being negative and unfair.  Not that anyone's done that to me recently or anything.)  It isn't easy to give people the benefit of the doubt and be fair, but I've met some people who have served as good examples.  Knowing them helped me to recognize the games the chronically dishonest people in my life were playing -- just by stark comparison.  Learning what was healthy gave me a way to identify what wasn't.

Sometimes I discover that what feels like an incapability is just a lack of a learning opportunity.  All it takes is my willingness to be shown the right way, and then I find myself doing something I thought I couldn't do.

So now I kinda know when I'm being lied to.  Oftentimes I realize that the people lying may have bought their own hype so much that they don't even realize how out of touch with reality they are.  So I don't get angry, I just don't buy the false information.

Tuesday, an instructor who was supposed to cover a class for me was a no-show.  His excuse for not being there seemed improbable.  I heard his story from others long before he shared it with me directly.

I knew I was going to see him today.  I tried avoiding him, giving him the opportunity to say nothing to me at ALL.  He went out of his was to tell me his garbage story though.

His face was all contorted as he said it.  I replied "Thank you for letting me know."

But then came the funk.  I was radiating negativity, and HARD.

I wondered how alleviating what was angering me (and also impacting my functionality) might look as part of this self-worth project.

I got teary when I figured it out.

I deserve the truth.

I deserve not to be misled.  I deserve not to be manipulated.  I want more truth in my world.

So I will take to the interwebs once again to help me with today's installment of lifting the worth weight.  I will ask any of my friends who are willing to do so to tell me something true.  Anything.  It doesn't have to be an earthshattering revelation.  But maybe 15 minutes of truth is just what I need today, and lifting the worth-weight is the act of asking for it.

I'm beginning to think I am also ready to share this project with handpicked interested parties.  Maybe tomorrow's worth-weightlifting will be making a request for cheerleaders?  I'm getting ahead of myself though.  I'm also behind, because I have something I've been working on in little bits that's probably not going to get any attention today or tomorrow.  And yet, it's distracting me.  I know I need to say something.  Hope I can be ready soon.

Also hope I can post later with the results of today's project!

Song in my head right now:  Katy Perry's Roar

Update: I Just Said NO To Overextending Myself

I'm so proud of me because I got an unreasonable request that would conflict with plans that I already set and I said NO!
I could've used the money.  And I love saving the day.  But it was too tight a schedule to swing, and it's time for someone else to step up to the plate.  YAY!
End of story.  WOOT.

Day 14: Gearing Up

I kinda wish I had stuck with the daycount header format I started this blog with.  Details, details.  I'm back on it for now.

I also wish I had started out in the habit of concluding each post with the song currently running through my head.  It's something I've been thinking about doing from the start.  Maybe I'll start today, and I'll interject it here while it's fresh in my mind: Too Much Saturn, Not Enough Moon by Francis Dunnery.

"So now that you know why I don't love ya / now that you see why I'm so scared / am I a good man? / Am I a deep, deep man?"

A song that, in its recorded version, starts out with Dunnery stating: "This is a song about severe emotional problems."

Based on my recent experience with someone to whom I was very much attracted, that's as true as a story ever gets.

So right now, I am sipping my favorite tea, and catching up my blog.  I'm worth having my story told.  What does lifting my 5 pound weight look like today?

I think it looks like a babystep for something BIG that I feel like I need to accomplish.  I finished 30 (!) pages worth of journalling, collecting my thoughts and reactions around a recent hurtful experience.  Maybe part of lifting that weight is reserving my right not to react until I am ready.  Maybe it's working at my pace for the sake of my own comfort.  Maybe it's knowing that what I'm going to say ends in shutting someone out, which really doesn't require the amount of work that I am pouring into the effort, but going through the motions anyway to be as secure in my feelings and actions as I can be.

It's all kind of nebulous.  But it's all there.  And I'm sure it amounts to 5 pounds somehow, especially since I took the action of writing.

Next is to compile and organize.  But I have other things to do, and I feel like they deserve to take priority over delivering the "sayanora" message that's about to be wrought.

Hi There! I'd Like To Be Treated Well, Please.

So, I found out today that my sister didn't mean for her round of silent treatment to go on for as long as it did.
When I explained to her how her actions looked over the 4 days that she said practically nothing to me, she explained the misunderstandings away one by one.
She felt like saying a quick "hi" to me before taking her breakfast upstairs to avoid me signaled that the silent treatment was off.  She explained that she took her breakfast upstairs because I had a friend visiting, and she didn't want to interrupt us.  She saw me once 2 days in, and didn't say anything to me then, but that's just because she was sleepy.  She didn't tell my youngest sister not to talk to me, that was just coincidence.  She didn't ignore my invitation to come out with my friends on Sunday as a snub, but because she had allergies.
I guess I was supposed to know all of these things somehow... magically, perhaps?
"I didn't mean to hurt you like that" seemed to be the message she was conveying with all of her explanations.
Oh, so you hurt me by accident?  And therefore, I should be instantly forgiving and hurt-free because it was an accident?
I inconvenienced her Friday, but that also was an accident.  She hadn't been, and still wasn't willing to grant me the same level of understanding and compassion she wanted from me.  Instead, she defended her hurtful behavior.
Lifting the 5 pound worth weight today meant gathering the courage to ask her to consider the following:

Perhaps you might try some more effective and less damaging ways to handle conflict.

In short, my lifting of the 5 pound weight today was turning to the sibling who shares my space, largely rent and responsibility free, and suggesting that she grow up.  I didn't force it, but I did gently encourage her to learn better behavior and to co-exist with me in a healthier way.

In reply, her eyes shining with self-righteous indignation, she said "What I do and how I handle my feelings WORKS for me."

I let her know that it only "works" because she's my sister and I love her.  However, I let her know that someday, she's going to be in a situation where she stands to really lose out by treating someone else the way she treated me, and she's not going to be able to simply excuse her way out of it.  By that point, she will find herself wishing that she had found a healthier way to relate to others, because people will disappoint her sometimes, and her lack of compassion and conflict resolution skills will leave her in a poor position for coping with life.

Just by asking her to consider modifying her behavior toward me, I feel like I stuck up for myself.  Getting a "yes" out of her wasn't necessary, just saying what I needed instead of backing down helped me.  I think it helped, anyway.

I really hope it helped!

We'll see.

Like The Sword in the Stone!

Today's adventure in self-worth growth and discovery required no forethought.  It simply happened.  What a treat to have a "weight" placed in my hands so all I have to do is "lift"!

I was supposed to have the morning off from teaching.  (I swapped mornings with another instructor who needed Friday off.)  But then, I was asked for a favor by an instructor whom I deeply respect and admire.  Her father was in the hospital, having had a stroke.  She needed to be there to catch the doctors making their rounds so she could get some straight answers about what was going on with him.  My disappointment in losing a much-needed break was far outweighed by being happy to help her, AND by getting to teach a class full of my favorite morning students.  This class, much closer to home than where I normally work on a Monday, and much later in the morning, is far more polite to me and appreciative of my efforts than my normal Monday morning group.

(Maybe someday I'll be lifting a heavier worth-weight that gives me the strength to cut my Monday morning "regulars" loose.  But then, in spite of how cutting and cruel some of them can be, they're not all like that.  I have lots to think about before I make a move on that front, and I am just not ready yet.)

So, I was still covered in hives from my stress over the previous days.  But it still felt great to go teach that class.  It was HUGE!  Full of smiling faces, so many thank yous afterward.  Groups like this make my job a true joy.

Following the class, I was cleaning up and changing in the locker room.  I vaguely overheard a member frantically asking one person after the next to help her with her locker combination.  She was certain she knew the right code, and it just wasn't working.  Several people tried to help, but with no success.

Eventually she worked her way over to me and asked if I could try it.  I've wrangled with these sorts of combo locks before, and I know they can be total pains in the ass.  I let her assure me she knew the correct combination.  She said she was sure of it.

So I went over to her locker and tried the numbers she gave me.

Got it open on the first try.

Ladies all around us in the locker room cheered!  "Of COURSE she can do it, she can do ANYTHING!" said one of my students.  "We're so lucky you're here," said another.

Being valued and treated well within a community boosts my sense of worth.  So it was with the unlocking of an uncooperative lock that I lifted the 5 pound weight today.